Molding...

So I have two beautiful little girls that are my life. I don't always live it that way, but they are. I can be having the worst day and they have this ability to come along and make me smile, to give me this feeling that whatever I am upset about doesn't matter. They bring me so much joy and I often find myself wondering how much longer this will last, how much longer will they have this ability to do this. Most importantly I wonder how much longer they will want to do this and when will the influence I have now with them start to slip away...

I used the word molding as the title, but it is really about moulding... My kids have and continue to mould the way I approach life and people. I try to carefully chose my words when they are around and/or when I am talking to them. Interesting I only make it a point to do it with them and not with everyone... (That is another blog).

Well tonight was a challenging parenting night. Like most nights we have too much going on so we find ourselves doing homework for the 6 year old at oh say 8:00ish... Not the best we are both tired, not to mention the 4 year old is wanting my attention as well.

Anyway the subject is math, my favorite subject... Well my 6 year old struggles with math and is easily frustrated and doesn't really show that with words, but more with body parts flailing around, tears and whining. None of which fit my personality ;o)

As I try to explain the questions or problems to her she just starts saying numbers hoping to guess the right one so I will say yes and move on. Well... I'm not wired that way. I'd rather her go to school with a blank paper and have to explain to her teacher why it isn't finished, so I say we are done here and pack up the homework... Well my 6 year old doesn't like that idea, she says "My teacher will yell at me"... (I find that a bit concerning, but anyway). Anyway, after I explain I to her I will not give her the answers, but I will be happy to help if she was willing to try...

OK what does this have to do with moulding? Well after about 20 minutes of my 6 year old crying, I sat next to her and talked to her and started to explain my frustration. I felt like God was telling me to tell her that I don't always know all the answers, that I have and will make mistakes, etc. I know parents can sometimes seem like they have all the answers, but I wanted my kids to know I don't and I do make mistakes. Now they are 4 and 6, so who knows what that means to them. However I can already see them both looking for my approval and I am defining what that looks like to them...

So I decided to make this a teaching moment... I told them "I don't care what kind of grades you get (Yeah stay with me), I don't care how good at Soccer you are, or if your not the best dancer, swimmer or whatever... I care about you doing the best you can at everything you do". So we talked about some of the things they do and I kept asking what do you do... "The best we can"... "the best we can"... I just kept repeating it.... Over and over and over...

I said you know I will be able to tell when it isn't your best don't you, I know when your not telling the truth don't I? They both said yes... I felt good about that moment and I pray this is something I can keep out in front of them, because that is really all I can ask... "The best they can"...

It wasn't until I started to reflect that I felt like God was saying the same to me... Andy all I ask is the best you can at everything you do... WOW!!! That hits home, because I don't... I don't do the best I can all the time, I often go through the motions...

So my question is... Do you mould your kids or do your kids mould you? My answer is; if your a good parent I think it's both...

God continue to mould me to be the man you made me to be, continue to provide me with the joy of my kids and in case I haven't said it in a while... Thanks for blessing me with them... Amen.

No Bull...

So I have been having this conversation with a group of people about this idea of "No Bull". No Bull is really this idea of being authentic and/or real... Sounds like something that would be really easy to define what that means, but it isn't. I mean think about it, how would you define it? What does it mean to be real? Can you be real with people? Are you real with yourself? Can you be real to other people without being real with yourself?

Well as this group of people discussed this idea the topic changed from being real to how much junk we would share with the group and/or how many intimate relationships we have had where we could share our junk with... I reacted pretty poorly to this line of thinking, but I thought it was important to challenge people. I have been challenged personally to be real so I said "I would argue that we all have done, said, thought or have had something done to us that we have never told anybody" and that is being real...

I did have several people say they share everything with their spouse and feel like there isn't anything they couldn't share... To which I replied "You misunderstood the point, I never said I haven't had or don't have a relationship where I could share anything, I am saying we haven't shared everything". I don't think anyone ever grasped the concept... Here follow me for a moment...

I will argue that we all have skeletons in our closet that people don't know about, things we have never told anyone about. Even if you say they no longer affect you or they were so long ago that it is no relevant you have something and that my friend is the point. You didn't tell anyone when it was relevant nor have you told anyone now and if I give you the benefit of the doubt and it no longer is relevant then why haven't you told anyone now? What is there to hide? I mean really if it was so long ago why not share it? You know why.... Because of fear!

What does this have to do with being real you say? (If your not saying it I am for you) Not much really... Only that I feel like I stepped out and was real and found people shy away from it. I honestly feel like we had an opportunity to say "yes that is true". I would love to know what people thought it was that I had done, said or had done to me... IRONY (I love Irony) is that I am sure their minds were racing and made for some good conversation on the way home, so the irony is they weren't real with me... They will question what those things are or were and I am betting only a select few call me on it and ask what it is or was... That is our irony... Who will be real?

Back to what does skeletons have to do with being real? Big picture not much... I don't think spilling your guts to everyone is a true definition of real. I haven't looked up the meaning in Webster, but I believe I can be "real" with everyone and never tell them one thing about my personal life. Let that sink for a moment... NOTHING and still be real...

Real does not = intimacy! Real as I would define it is; Being who you are, not posing or showing this false person, it's being honest with people about how your feeling, what your thinking and being honest (real) enough to realize you don't have it all figured out. That is how I would define real... Has very little to do with what may have happened way back when... It is by being "real" that you gain intimacy, which leads to deep developed relationships.

I think this discussion was good. I believe it shifted the group a bit, I believe it put things on the radar of people. However, I would argue we (me included) weren't real either... There are things that need to be said, but weren't because honestly speaking there is a time and place to say those things to those people and that wasn't the time or the place.

I took a step in this discussion and my challenge to everyone was to first be real with ourselves. We have to be real enough with ourselves so that we have some self awareness. We are fallen people so we will mess this up from time to time, but we have to start with ourselves...

Again I believe this discussion was a positive step and I am praying the affects will strengthen this group of people, but only time will tell...

So in closing I'll ask the question again... How do you define real?

God I pray that I can be the man you have created, that I can look in the mirror and say "No Bull"... Carry yourself that way... Be Real!!!! God help me with that... Amen....