Older...

I turned "old" yesterday, the big 30. I'm not a big birthday guy, I don't get overly excited or depressed. I'm really only a day older than the previous day....

I did get the opportunity to go to dinner with my family and then spend the rest of the day with my wife. As we were just talking about life I felt God say "why do you not enjoy the day I brought you in to this world"? Then he said "Is this how you feel about my birth"? It really shook me up for a minute....

I'm not big on birthdays in general and I'm not sure why? But when God convicted me I decided that I should be grateful for my birth. After all we celebrate Jesus birth like nobody's business...

It got me thinking about the births of all of HIS children and how at least three times a year I do make a big deal out of birthdays, my two daughters and of course Jesus. It started me thinking about how excited and am for Abi and Morgan and that is when Jesus said "I make a big deal out of your birthday too". Wow! The creature of all things makes a big deal out of my birth.

That is hard for me to wrap my brain around. I sometimes think about God's love for all people and I know he loves everyone, but I sometimes think that he couldn't love me.... It's hard sometimes to think that he could possibly love me. I fall so short. When I have these thoughts it is always good for me to spend some time in the Word and be open to what he wants to say to me.

I've come to realize that when I have these thoughts the are obviously from the enemy and that there is probably something somewhere inside me that is trying to hide it from God. I don't always know right away what that is, but I know if I search it out HE will reveal it to me.

Now that I have kids of my own and anyone who knows me knows how much I love them. It is just a fraction of how much God loves me. Having kids has really help me wrap my brain around the joy God sees in his children. My kids aren't perfect, but even during the times I can't wait until bedtime I am so in love with them I can't put it into words. Even during the times they just aren't listening and I have to discipline them I'm still in love with them. I think this is how God loves us. Even when I (we) are in need of some good discipline from God, he still is so in love with us that we can't put it into words. HE loves us more than we may ever understand.

God loves us even in the times we feel separated from him. HE loves us! That is powerful. God please help me when I'm falling short, when I'm throwing an adult temper tantrum, when I'm so self centered I can't see you, when I do what I know is wrong, etc... I truly want to "Become a man of Integrity". I love you and thanks for bringing me into this world you created for your glory. Amen.

First?

The Bible says "Those who are first will be last and those who are last will be first". Growing up I found validation in winning, being first! I was very competitive, so when I first read this verse it puzzled me. It puzzled me for sometime....

Doesn't God want us to win? If that is true then why would he gift certain athletes? Why would those teams win? I struggled with this for sometime until I thought about me.... I played everything not to lose. I hated the way losing felt and I loved the way winning felt. The more I thought about it the more God was saying "that's why".

I think it isn't the winning God doesn't like it's the way we win. If you win and in the process of it your degrading people or pushing the envelope to do whatever it takes to win, then God isn't happy with our actions.

The last will be first? I think this means losing with grace.... Losing and actual being happy for the winner.

Apart from winning and losing I think this verse means so much more that what I think of winning and losing. I think it speaks directly into my personal desires. What I am thinking about when I do anything? Am I doing things for my glory or God's? Do I take the glory when things work out for me or am I giving the glory to God? If I am "first" in my thoughts then I will be last, but if I lose myself in God and glorify HIM with no thoughts of "what will this do for me". Well then I think I have accomplished what was meant in this verse. I think it is the building up of people and how we are listening to the gentle whispers of God, not what the world has to say about who the actual winner is.

God I want to glorify you when things go well. It is because of you that I have any ability to do anything.... God help me show my love for you and give all the glory to you for the gifts you have given me. I want to be first only for you. Amen.

I want the Truth....

You can't handle the Truth.... That is one of the well known lines from a movie. It also applies to my spiritual life....

As I continue to try to become a man of Integrity I am searching the Truth of God. I am continuing to try and store scripture away in my heart, but I find times it is easy to find where others fall short of God's truths. Actually I find it very easy to do that! I am trying to remove the log in my eye before I judge others...

As I find myself more and more in the Word of God I find that HE whispers to me about the truths in my life I need to hear. I often wonder why I can't hear the whispers.... I think I busy myself so much with life that I do not slow down enough to listen to what God wants to tell me.

There are times I hear God's whispers that I can't handle the Truth. I can't tell you the number of times I been in the presence of God and HE whispers to me and I just break down and cry. Most of the time HE is just whispering that HE loves me.... Sometimes that is hard to handle because of the junk I have.

God please help me slow down to hear your whispers. I want the Truth, even if I can't handle it. Amen.

Pop Quiz

I am now reading a book called "Every man's challenge" and the introduction to the book talks about a pop quiz from God. He talks about about a man named Dave in Vietnam who in short came under fire during there units "normal" day of work. In the mist of the battle he pulled the pin on a grenade. Now this wasn't your normal grenade, this was a white phosphorus grenade. These types of grenades cause phosphorous burns that water can't put out, they apparently burn and smolder painfully in the wound for days. Well when Dave pulled the pin the grenade went off six inches from his head. He then stumbles out of the truck and falls into the water.

One of his fellow soldiers who had made fun of him for being a Christian watched him fall into the water and knowing full well the water would not cool his wounds, he hears Dave scream from beneath the surface. He then pushes himself out of the water long enough to say "Jesus, I still love you!"

As the other soldier watched Dave fall beneath the water he gave his life to Christ....

Can you imagine going through what Dave went through and the one thing that was on your mind being "Jesus I still love you"? I'm sure I wouldn't have reacted the same way. I would have failed that test.

I think God gives us "pop quizzes" not for his benefit but for ours. HE knows where we are spiritually and he knows the answer to the test. I think he gives us those quizzes to reveal our character and for the benefit of those around us. I don't seem to know that it is a God quiz in the midst of them, I seem to only complain about my situation.

I need to be able to pass some tests for God. I want to be able to respond as Dave did, I want to be able to find God in the midst of a quiz. I pray that I never have to go through anything like what Dave went through, but I pray that I would be able to pass the test.

Jesus help me pass the next "pop quiz".

Amen.

Sin....

I purchased a guitar today and I am going to attempt to learn how to play. It is not only fun learning but painful. To bad God didn't gift me to just know how to play. Anyway as I was reflecting on how bad I am I felt God speak to me about how the guitar is like our spiritual life.

I was thinking about how gifted some people are and how beautiful the sounds are that come from the same instrument that I am attempting to play. I was laughing inside that someone could actually get something meaningful to come out of my guitar. That is when God starting talking to me. HE started by reminding me that it would take time and practice to learn how to play and that I would have to remember to keep it tuned. Nothing about that surprised me at all. I knew all those things to be true.

That is when HE started to unpack it... HE started by saying that even the best guitar players have an off night, not only that sometimes they make a bad note or break a string in the middle of a concert. That is when I thought about the definition of sin... It comes from archery and anytime you miss the bulls eye (missing the mark) it is called "sin". Well for Christians our target is Jesus and I miss the target a lot. Well with the guitar I'm learning a lot about missing the target.... I'm amazed at how hard it is to get my fingers to do what I want them to. But the same is true in my spiritual life....

I started to think about someone playing the guitar like it is suppose to be played and the music that comes from it. It attracts people to watch and listen too whomever is playing. Just like our spiritual life, when we live in tune with God we attract people. They wonder why our life seems so different. But when someone like me who really has no idea how to even play the guitar plays it isn't going to attract anyone, it barely attracts my 21 month old. Just like to guitar needs to be tuned on a regular basis we too need to tune ourselves with God's will. We need to speak to HIM regularly, we need to be around other believers, we need to sharpen our skills with the WORD. The best guitar players don't quit practicing or trying to improve on there skill.

I wonder where in my life I need to be tuned up and I wonder where the areas of my life are sounding good to God. I need to continue to fine tune the good areas and get some help with the tuning of the other areas? Just as I am learning to play the guitar and finding frustration in what I can't do, I at times find myself frustrated in the areas of my life that I continue to fall short in. I can't get myself to do what I know I am supposed to do. If there is one little thing wrong with the guitar it will not sound like it was designed to. If we have one little thing wrong with our lives we miss the mark.... I think too often we only see and/or hear the bad notes in people. Even in ourselves. I think God sees and hears the beautiful music we play and is enjoying it, I think he is pleased we are continually trying to get ourselves tuned. Although I believe God knocks on different doors of our life HE isn't condemning us.... HE is just asking us if HE could help us tune up another part of our life.

God continue to reveal the areas of my life that need tuning. I want to play beautiful music with my actions, thoughts and my words....

Amen.

Sold Out?

I just finished reading a book called "Sold Out" and it talks about how the author was sold out in different areas of his life. He was a Christian, a family man, one of the founders of Promise Keepers (a men's ministry) and one of the top college football coaches in the country. The premise of the book is that football his dream was in the way of getting close to God. Football had taken the top spot on his priority list and eventually God called him to retire from football so that he could make God number one. He said the busy schedule and demands of football didn't allow him to put God first. He tried over and over to put God first but football always got in the way.

It was a surprisingly good book, but it has me thinking about what I am putting before God? In the book he doesn't say coaches can't put God first it was something he couldn't do. He challenges his readers to examine what they are putting before God and do whatever it takes to change it. He doesn't tell us to quit our jobs, but as I look at what I do for a living I know God is calling me to do something different. I know what that is even, but I know that it will require a lot of work on my end. Like I said before most of my life I didn't have to work that hard for anything. It was either given to me, I walked into it or my determination made it happen. I have never had to work, in my mind, very hard for most things. I guess I'm bless in that regard, but it does make you lazy. I see the path in front of me, I know God is calling me down it. I'm struggling to get off my but and go down it.... I'm afraid of how much work it will take. I'm afraid of how much different life will be financially. I'm afraid of the sacrifice my family would have to make. I'm afraid if I walk down the path... I'll fail.

I grew up with a saying... "There is only one thing I'm not good at and that is losing". I use to be the worlds worst loser. I hated to lose more than anything. I would sacrifice my body anytime to win a game of basketball and never think twice about it. I once played 6 weeks with a fractured right arm because I wanted to finish a church league. I couldn't even use it the first couple of weeks, I would shoot my free throws left handed. I ended up needing to get screws in my arm. My point is just like I hated losing because of how it made me feel I am just as afraid of failing.

I want to be Sold Out to God and what I am realizing is that what is between God and I is.... ME. My fear! The most used command in scripture is "Fear Not". I think that is for a reason...

God help me Fear Not. I want to walk down the path you have shown me, but I'm afraid of how much work is involved in clearing my path. Help Me....

Amen.

What about God?

What about God? I've often wondered why God has left me with the suffering I have endured. Even now in the moments I feel that God is with me I wonder why things don't go as smoothly as I would hope that they would. What is it about our selfishness that we couldn't let go of whatever it is we are holding on to.

What is it that you are holding on to? Is it pride? Is it feeling as if it is owed to you, like me. I have lived my whole life as if it was owed to me. I guess growing up as the youngest I just expected it and most of the time it happened. Unfortunately for me it carried into my professional career. I have now come to realize that I do not want what the world gives me I only want what God is ready to give me. I know that this sound familiar to what I have said in the past, but I do not want anything unless it is what God is ready to give to me.

God I want what you want... Still. Help me in the areas where I do not match up with your will. Amen.

Remember HIM

Today as I was working I was reflecting on how good God has been to me. I was listening to 104.3 a Christian radio station and as I was wondering where God was leading me and I felt God say "why do you only think about(remember) me when it fits into your schedule". That really hit me... Why do I only remember HIM when it is convenient? Why can't I think of HIM while I'm doing all things? I often wonder how different life would be for me if I could tap into the "Holy Spirit" during all aspects of my day. Can you imagine if while you were driving and instead of being so upset at the person in front of you because they are driving impaired, to say it nicely, you could tap into what the Holy Spirit wanted you to do and/or say. Or if you were in line at the store and the cashier who is way too slow for you, I wonder what the Holy Spirit would say during those times? I wonder if in the heat of battle with my wife, kids, family, etc. If I would tap into the Holy Spirit. I wonder how that would effect everyone around me.

That brings me to my life question, my book title if I were ever to write one "What If". I often wonder what if.... I wonder when I step out in faith and it doesn't work out like I want it and instead of trying to find God in it I find disappointment. What if I looked for God in those moments? I wonder how much more God would honor that. But on the flip side what if I would have never gone out with my wife? I would no doubt be lost... When I think about all the joy in my life it is because God blessed me with an amazing women and beautiful healthy kid's and IF I would have never gone on that first date who knows, I'm sure I wouldn't be the man I am today. God was all over our relationship, I didn't know it then but as I look back I see it.

If I went back and changed one little thing in my life I wouldn't be where I am today. It is very easy to what if it.... I am learning to let go of my disappointments and my mistakes. It's hard, but I'm trying to what if my future moments. What if I can find the Holy Spirit in all things, all of my decisions, in my work, in my parenting, during the good and bad, etc. I'm not saying it will make it perfect because I (we) am not perfect. If I could keep my eyes fixed on Jesus in my decisions HE would honor that.

I received a word from a friend about three years ago that I see almost daily, it says "You can't go wrong when you decisions pursue HIM".

Lord help me pursue you in everything I do. Amen.

What Is Integrity?

The more I think about becoming a man of Integrity the more I wonder how God would describe a man of Integrity. I find myself at times not even in the ball park of my own definition, I can only imagine how short I fall when compared with Gods definition.

I would explain Integrity as someone who is honest, loving, not afraid to stand up for what he believes in and a person that isn't afraid to say when he is sorry and/or wrong. When I look at that I realize how short I fall and that I can not live up to that on my own power. I need God's help. I need to die to myself and live for God and trust that he knows better than I... This sounds so easy and I know he wouldn't disappoint me so why is it I can find the strength or weakness to do it? Why are we so afraid of what God wants us to do... Do we think HE is going to tell us to become missionaries across the world or is it as I believe he is going to call us into what we know deep in our hearts we want to do and are afraid we will fail.

The Bible says "whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God". It is the first verse I ever memorized and it is a big part of the person I want to become, but I find it so hard to do. I know the first step is to repent and ask God to help me with this. I need, no I must start praying for this in ALL aspects of my life.

God help me with that, I so desire to become the man you want me to be. I no longer want what the world wants for me, I want you. Amen.

My First Time...

No I'm not talking about my "first" time, but my first blog. As the title says I'm trying to become a man of Integrity.... I sometimes don't know what that looks like or how to live that out, but I'm learning. I have started to reflect on my shortcomings and I am starting to ask God to reveal the one's I can't see on my own. I want to become the man God has made me to be and I can't do it with the holy spirit. As I walk out trying to become a man of integrity I hope God will show me ways and give me opportunities to stretch me. I hope I will be able to recognize those times God is trying to teach me something and I hope I will remember to lean on HIM in those times.